It’s a great story, actually. I simply wrote an essay to the higher ups at Multi-State Lottery Association (MUSL) and told them what I would do with the Powerball money. And they freaking loved it. I mean, that was it. I didn’t even buy a ticket. This is the powerball of words, people. Learn it. It could change your life.
Here’s the essay:
The following lists out precisely how I would use the $800,000,000, if you should choose to bypass the usual selection process of picking someone randomly — which, let’s be honest, is extremely risky and might just be a huge waste of a freakishly large sum of money. People, as you know, are generally stupid with money and there’s a very high chance the entirety of all of this cash would go to someone who right now at this very moment is imagining all kinds of non-imaginitive things to do with their riches. Like buy a boat, or an island, or give it away to charities and stuff. It’s just too much money to put in that kind of person’s control, don’t you agree? Our values here in America are jacked. Up is down, good is bad. Let’s put someone in charge of this money who will do something awesome with it. Like me! Believe me, what I do with the $800,000,000 will be awesome. And it won’t entail yet another giant yacht for some enormous rich woman to puke over the side of. We need far less rich woman’s puke in our oceans. Here’s what I’m thinking:
My Own Prison.
This is a fun idea I’ve been wanting to do ever since I just thought of it. The prison system is overcrowded and a huge drain on taxpayers, right? Fine, I’ll make my own prison and fill it with the world’s top ten worst criminals. But here’s the catch, I’m going to design it exactly after the solitary quarters of The Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, as depicted in Silence of the Lambs. And here’s where it gets really awesome: I will make each of the criminals I house look just like a real super villain! Isn’t that rad!?! I’ll have Charles Manson transferred from Corcoran and outfitted to look like Ra’s al Ghul, from Batman. And I’ll get Mexican drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman from wherever they put him and have him made up to look like, say, Darkseid, from Superman. Besides being straight up awesome, I think people will be glad to know that both the non-fictional and fictional bad guys are all behind bars. Also, like I said, it will be awesome. Nobody is thinking on this level.
Bring Back Quicksand.
Remember Tarzan? Remember how people would get caught in quicksand and it would be really hard to get out of? I loved that whole idea and I would recreate the notion when I was a kid — but it sucked because it wasn’t real quicksand. Well, as I’ve gotten older (and wiser), it’s dawned on me that there may not really, technically, be any quicksand. Or we just dug it all out or something. That’s really too bad, because with its disappearance so too disappeared a really pretty cool time-based trap that was both life-threatening but also escapable. I’ll bring back quicksand in a really interesting way. That is, I’ll create a ginormous field that will have pockets of quicksand, but you won’t know where they are. A lot of this will be about science, as I will need to create a substance that grabs you suddenly enough but also sinks you slowly enough to be effective. My eleven year old daughter is already helping me with that part of it. It’s an issue of viscosity, which I will empower her to deal with using the money from Powerball. How hard can it be? It’s thick, sticky sand. Pretty sure I can find a bunch of it already in her filthy room.
Buy the Rights to Star Wars.
Nevermind, I just looked up how much Disney bought it for. I won’t have enough for that. Not nearly enough. Unless they continue to make it about as scary as the ghosts at the end of The Haunted Mansion ride.
Make a Logan’s Run Bubble.
Self-explanatory, but I want you to know that I will also employ a wise old man with a beard to live in a makeshift hut outside the bubble, who anyone can “escape to” and have deep, philosophical conversations with. And that will be my dad —believe me, he’s perfect for the role.
It’s worth noting that, at this point, it does appear that a majority, if not all, of my ideas seem to circle around science fiction and comic books. I suppose that could seem limiting until you think about how awesome science fiction and comic books are. Which leads to my final idea…
The Matrix, The Ride.
Yep, I leaned right into it. Didn’t attempt to save this essay in any way, shape or form. I just went 100% personal preference. Sue me, I will have a great lawyer. Her name will be Ally McBeal.
The Matrix, The Ride (The System is Our Enemy) is everything you’d expect and want from a modern, story-driven amusement park ride, but just can’t get anymore. You’ll have to spot glitches in The Matrix as you run around fighting Agent Smith. You’ll have the power of anti-gravity, of course. And bullets will fly at you in slow motion. Upgrade to various levels of Kung-Fu knowledge! Learn to fly a helicopter! Take time out to dance! It’s all here and ready to experience at The Matrix, The Ride (The System is Our Enemy)!
As an aside, The Matrix, The Ride (The System is Our Enemy) is likely to be so popular that it will pull sales away from Disneyland, thus creating a ripple effect that will drive down the price of the rights to Star Wars. Which I will then buy. Completing my Powerball promise in its entirety.
And that’s what I would do with the money. Let’s have a Powerball!
Please transfer monies here.